Why I said “goodbye” to SuicideGirls

I always knew OF the SuicideGirl community and the bragging rights that accompanied the title of being a full fledged SuicideGirl and no longer just a “Hopeful”. Until I became a “hopeful” I didn’t know the lady-in-waiting game had to be played along with numerous other hoops. Now I feel “jumping” is not the appropriate term but definitely some maneuvering through hoop-like things. And even THAT I chalk up to individual power trips, not the site/group/club what have you, as a whole.

Yes, in my roughly 3 years in “hopeful-ville” I had no complaints and to be honest really kept my membership going for as long as it did was mostly because my best friend who I grew up with was actively apart of the website. She was even apart of the modeling aspect full force. She has the most gorgeous photo set on the site snd out of any of the other girls! See having ONE photo set, professionally done, is the only requirement for consideration to become non hopeful, full SuicideGirl. Or so I thought….

Charlice is her stage name as an alt model on the site. I didn’t know non professional photographs would not do and definitely, absolutely no wigs. ( I happen to love wigs a lot, of the blue variety!) I thought no biggie until I learned the breathtakingly hot shoot Charlice did was done seamlessly in a synthetic and a very sick body. Cancer.

She never looked more comfortable in her tatted skin then in those photos. As awkward misfit outcasts we didn’t really ever fit the typical pretty young lady mold. As a pornstar I found a familiarity or sense of self amongst the adult biz and for Charlice this site was her SITE. Never before were her many HUGE tattoos admired and accepted 100% and I could tell this from her face and body language in her set. My childhood friend was sexy. Super sexy! And what’s more she, for the first time was womanly in my opinion. Not for the risqué shots but for the ones that capture her nerves and then capture her relaxed. Comfortable in her skin that I’m sure felt nothing like comfort when battling a terminal illness. Trying very hard to get more sets out for a graduation to full membership it was not only expensive but difficult I’m sure. For a young mother of an infant, on chemo and not exactly financially gifted to be throwing hundreds at what needed to go into a “set” Charlice kept hopeful from 2012 until early 2014 when she lost her battle to cancer.

I begged and pleaded and even petitioned for the top girls on the site to possibly make an exception and give her the title of SuicideGirl. I know how much it meant to her and so it meant that much to me as well. But alas, I was turned down, albeit polite as can be, no dice. I persisted until the year mark of her passing this year and then let it go.

If I can’t be a SuicideGirl along with Charlice I can remain a hopeful forever and so canceling my account seemed best. Seemed appropriate. And sad.

Forever a “hopeful” and proud of it I know we rock it better than any non-hopeful model could ever imagine. And now along with the matching bows we got tattooed (my first tat ever) on the back of our necks we share one more thing permanently.

– Hopeful forever, Courtney Page xo