I have B.P.D.

I can make the majority of people I meet become infatuated with me. Either sex. Not age specific. Not to be confused with “fall in love”. I can’t maintain a stable enough relationship to comfortably lure them into love. The few times I’ve been in love and had the person in love with me were incredibly difficult attempts at a relationship. Every day was a struggle to be something unnatural to me.

Whenever I meet someone that piques my interest my personality/body language/mannerisms/spoken language all adjust to what elicits the most beneficial reaction. I do it immediately without effort. I don’t play a false role temporarily. I fully take on a new version of myself and live as it until I fall out of infatuation. The “chameleon” characteristic is true in my case and feeling confused after is also true. It’s exhausting and exhilarating because of the power rush.

I use it with coworkers, bosses, professors even officers if I can spend enough time in front of them. I can make almost anyone invested in me which allows me to constantly slide by in life. Unfortunately it always ends in their disappointment and my feeling embarrassed for letting them down. Again I am not just playing the role. I truly believe what I am feeling at that time in my life. My feelings are real they just always end up temporary.

Thanks to being so self aware and intuitive I quickly learned the most powerful aesthetic “look” for myself. Early on when my female peers were tattooing themselves, I advertised my belief and complete confidence in my naked natural body. This was more “rare” and interesting to the males they were trying to interest. As soon as “makeup culture” arrived on Instagram and Pinterest I immediately researched the most flattering “no makeup look” and tailored it to my face. That way I could stand out. I learned to subconsciously manipulate very early on.

I can read people incredibly quickly and tear them apart without needing to get to know them. In reverse it is very difficult for me to comfort them because I am very “black and white” in my feelings and forward in my presentation. I’ve attracted many highly intellectual and interesting people due to this. I’ve also without fail abruptly been abandoned by every best friend I’ve had.

There are so many interesting parts to me due to the disorder. I can understand why their is the stigma of being heartless, “black widow”, manipulative and “sociopathic”. I understand why it’s scary to find out that some people can adjust themselves on the spot and lure you into their confidence. The important part most people miss is the reason I do those things. I WANT to be those things for that person so they love me and want me in their lives. It’s my natural way of surviving and looking for companionship and comfort and stability. I don’t know how to stand on my own personality because I never fully developed it. So I do what I know how to do. I am not a monster. Definitely capable of it but honestly that would go against every basic need I have.

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